Sunday Newscape Magazine

* A wife (woman - insert is mine) is a gift bestowed upon man to reconcile him to the loss of paradise - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We’ve all heard of Dr. Laura’s book “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands.” Heck, I’ve read it. I even liked it. I applied a few (a FEW) of the principles of the book to my own marriage. I didn’t notice a big change in my marriage. Actually, I didn’t notice a change at all.

The second reason this book didn’t work is probably why it didn’t or won’t work for you: Men don’t appreciate women. They don’t. No matter how much sex you give them, how clean you keep their house, or how many good meals you feed them, they simply will take for granted that this is the way their life should be. And in all fairness, we really do need to remind them that we are in their universe.

This was one of the principles I took away from Dr. Laura’s book. My ex was not a mind reader. I did the best I could to point out when I was being treated like a maid and a sex slave.
 

As I was reading this book, I thought, Hey, my husband (at the time) could really use the counter book “The Proper Care & Feeding of Wives”, but when I went to the book store and asked for it, I learned that this book did not exist. WHAT??? You mean to tell me that Dr. Laura wrote a book about taking care of MEN but not about taking care of WOMEN?

Why is it that our society is constantly writing books, magazine articles, and commercials that are geared towards teaching women how to make men’s lives better? Now don’t get me wrong. I like men. Perhaps a bit too much at times.  But honestly, I really don’t need a book to figure out how to do it – A meal of Lasagna with garlic bread (no veggies), good beer, good sex, no foreplay for me – him only, and a nice soft bed after. It’s very simple really. Honestly.

If you were to ask my ex what he had wanted daily, that’s what he would have said – only it would be that, followed by a day of deer hunting where he shot a perfect 6 point buck, and I greeted him at the door in a rubber apron, ready to help butcher the poor animal.

 Men are very simple. I don’t mean simple minded…hmmmm. What I mean is this: they don’t want to be bothered. They want sex, and lots of it. They want a woman who will take care of them, and their children (some men want you to take care of them like they are children), and most men (I said most) want to provide for you. But there is not a book out there giving men advice on how to take care of women. Or if there is, it’s 800 pages long, and no man I know is going to pick up any book, let alone one that is over 20 pages long.

Or if there is a book about women, it’s about how we’re screwing up our lives (again, this book is really about how to please men). It’s a sad statement about how women are being blamed for failed relationships all over in our society. Give me a break. Everyone knows that relationships fail because men are jerks. Duh! Oh I'm kidding. Lighten up.

Since there are no positive books out there showing men out there how to take care of women, except for the Song of Songs in “The Bible” (If you haven’t read that, you should check it out – woo hoo! Steamy!), I’ve decided to write a helpful guide for our male counterparts about the proper care and feeding of women. I’ve cleverly titled it “The Proper Care and Feeding of Women." I’ve formatted it in an easy to read list. Feel free to copy it off for your man. Hand it to him over dinner – you can read Dr. Laura’s BOOK while he struggles through Dr. Vanessa's list:

 

The Proper Care and Feeding of Women

By Dr. Vanessa (because we all know Dr. Laura isn't a real Doctor)

 

1) You set the alarm clock and wake yourself up. You’re a grown man. While you’re up, start the shower for your woman and make the coffee. She is going to have to try to keep her patience about 100 times today. Also, your kids are still alive and not suffering from any real psychological harm – this is all due to your woman. Admit it, if you stayed at home with them, they’d be lost six times a day, eating suckers for lunch, and running around the neighborhood in their underwear in the snow.

2) Make breakfast. For everyone. Your woman is hungry. So are the kids. You have two hands. You can get bowls and cereal down. If you want eggs and bacon go to McDonalds.

3) Make your own damn lunch. Your woman has to make lunch for the kids. She’ll be lucky if she even gets lunch. That bowl of Captain Crunch you just poured her might very well be the last thing she eats until you come home from “work” wanting your dinner.

4) Kiss your woman goodbye. Look her in the eye and notice that she looks sane right now. Remember this look. Keep it in your memory. Before you leave the house, look in the mirror, and memorize how you look.

5) Call your woman once or twice throughout the day and see how she is doing. Tell her you love her. Ask her if she wants you to pick up dinner BEFORE noon, that way she doesn’t take something out to defrost for dinner. Better yet, call a babysitter (at least once a week – on a weekday) and take her out to dinner. Don’t make it too fancy. She doesn’t want the extra work of dressing up. She just wants to sit and be served.

6) Call home one more time before you leave for home and ask if you need to stop by the store, just in case.

7)  Before you leave the office, look in the mirror. Remembering how you looked this morning, how is that different from now? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, rate yourself. How much worse for wear do you look? Four? Five? How is your stress level? How many times did you come close to losing your temper? Your patience? How much psychological damage would you have caused had you lost your temper and yelled or screamed?

*Side note: I went on a date with a guy recently RIGHT after he got off of work. I had to spend 2 hours repairing the day's damage. This guy showed up in what he wore to work and look phenomenal. Case in point...

 

8) As you drive home, remember how your woman looked before you left. Before you walk in the door, ask yourself how much psychological damage she would cause if, on a daily basis, she lost her temper or her patience with your kids and was always yelling or screaming at them. Remember how she looked before she left for work, then had to get the kids from daycare and start running errands the rest of the afternoon. In high heels no less.

9) Look at your woman as you walk in the door. There she is, running around with the baby on her hip, and a shoe in one hand, trying to get your toddler to put his shoe on so she can go to dinner with you (if you had the foresight to call a sitter and take your wife out). Compare that to the woman you left this morning. On a scale of one to ten, how stressed does she look? That’s what I thought.

10) After you walk in the door, immediately start helping her with the kids. DO NOT go off to “unwind” after your hard day at work. Remember, she is still working. You work an 8 – 10 hour day, with a half hour to an hour lunch and two breaks, five days a week. I don’t care if this is not how “men work.” You want to see burn out? Keep walking in the door and immediately start attending to you own needs. That sound you hear? That’s the sound of your woman’s head exploding.

Stay-at-home-mom and working moms work approximately fifteen hours a day, sometimes with no breaks, seven days a week, and she doesn’t get to “go home and unwind”, so spare me Old Dr. Laura with your talk about “Going out and Slaying the Dragons.” Try keeping a teething two year old occupied while cleaning the house and feeding a three month old – by the way, I do believe the “Other” Dr. only had one child. Not saying anything bad, but it is easier with just one. The “New” Dr. Vanessa Jane has two kids. She also has friends who have three.

11) Keep in mind that your woman has had a hard day at work. No one gets time to unwind until after the kids are in bed. If the two of you work together to make this happen, the sooner you can both begin to unwind.

12) After the kids are in bed, massage her back, feet, neck or whatever. Do this without –do you hear me– without the expectation of sex. Nothing takes away from a nice gesture from a man than knowing that you are only doing it to get sex. That makes it totally selfish on your part, and we would rather not have it. Well, I’d still take the massage, but I’d tell you the whole time I wasn’t putting out.

But seriously, it does take away from the generosity of the spirit if you expect something in return when giving. Now listen closely to what I am about to say: If you do things for us, such as the dishes, chores around the house (not things that are your job like mowing the lawn), helping out with the kids, taking the kids for the day, giving us massages, taking us to dinner, or just things that help us relax, we will be more inclined to have sex with you. And here’s the kicker – we will be a more willing participant – we might even slow down and enjoy it. This is something my ex never learned. Take care of me outside of the sack, and I’ll take care of you inside of it. When you slack, so will your woman. If you're not getting any, you have no one to blame but yourself.

13) Sex, for all women, is in our heads. We women are emotional creatures. We can’t have sex when we are feeling resentful or are angry. And if you treat us like your personal servant, never meeting our needs (which I’ve listed above), never helping out, laying around on the couch or the chair after you get off work, while we cook dinner and tend to the children, all the while complaining that you are tired, (guess what? we're tired too– but our family needs us, and someone has to do it), then don’t be surprised when night time rolls around, and we’re now “too tired” to “help you out” with your “needs.”

14) You want more sex? Then treat your woman right – She has different needs than you do. She is less selfish than you are, and chances are she gives more to the relationship than you do. Work harder. Pay more attention to her. Rub her feet. Play with the kids. Give her more time to herself.

Think I’m wrong? I have a friend whose husband comes home from work and takes over. When she’s had a really bad day with the kids, he directs her to the bedroom to relax and “unwind.” He fixes dinner, and takes command. He pampers her. Writes songs and plays his guitar and sings to her. He tells her how beautiful she is. He spends the weekends at home with the family. He doesn’t go out with the “guys” drinking.

Does he sound whipped? Who the hell cares? He gets it at least three times a week. And you know what? She likes sex. Their bedroom? I’ve seen it. It looks like something out of Arabian Nights – all sexy and romantic looking. Makes you wonder what goes on in there.

Still doubtful? Then take it from Shaggy in his song "Strength of a Woman":

The gift of life astounds me to this day;
I give it up for the woman !!
She’s the constant wind that fills my sail,
Oh, that woman !!
With a smile and a style,
She’ll protect you like a child,
That’s a woman !!
She'll put a smile upon her face,
And take you to a higher place,
So don't you underestimate,
strength of a woman !!

I’m done now. You can breath again. That’s it from the “New and Improved” Dr. Vanessa Jane. Treat your woman right. Women are soft, gentle, curvy, magical, creatures. We’re made to be yielding, voluptuous, and after children, we are not meant to be muscular, thin, hard bodies. We’re meant to be supple individuals who comfort both child and man, in very different ways.

Abuse and use us and we wear out quickly, and become bitter and worn, broken and hard, thin and sparse. Take care of us, and we will last a very, very long time. The choice is yours