Sunday Newscape Magazine

As you might imagine, I often receive email from adoring fans. OK, most of them are people in Nigeria who have $10 million they need to deposit into my bank account or people who want to sell me some Viagra. But occasionally, I get genuine fan mail, which typically goes something like this: “Dear Jackie, How do you write such witty and brilliant columns each week?”

I’m sure there are many more of you out there who wonder the same thing, so I’d like to take you behind the scenes for a look at how I write a column. Let me warn you, however, that the making of humor columns resembles the making of laws and sausage - it’s not always a pretty sight.

The first step in the process is to come up with a topic. My witty and brilliant brain is always on alert for possible topics, especially when a family member or friend does something I can ridicule (this is why I spend a lot of time alone). Sometimes topics are so plentiful - like when I go to a class reunion or listen to a presidential debate - that they practically hit me upside the head. Other times, I have to conduct in-depth topic research.

The best such research occurs while I’m asleep. To be the very best humorist I can be, I invest a lot of time in sleeping. When I’ve slept enough to come up with a humdinger of a topic, I awaken and head to my home office to begin writing. Being a columnist on the cutting edge of the whole work/life balance thing (as all your best columnists are), I have a flexible office space that moves around to meet my needs. Those needs are usually best met in my favorite chair, which is conveniently placed in front of the TV to allow me to keep up with world events. It is essential I keep up with events in case I am called to participate in them.

Not long ago, for example, I was forced to suspend my column-creation campaign and fly to Washington, DC to fix the economy. I gave it my best shot, but my deprived fans soon demanded I resume writing witty and brilliant columns. So I left the economy in the hands of the financial geniuses who’ve been running it so far, and I returned to my easy chair.

Writing can be a grueling, even painful, endeavor. Like many a great artist, I am often driven to the edge of madness in my quest for perfection. Van Gogh, as you’ll recall, cut off part of his own ear. I haven’t gone quite that far, but I have been known to pluck stray chin hairs while I wait for my creative muse to strike.

My muse is fairly fickle, though, and sometimes she doesn’t show up. That’s when, even with a killer, sleep-induced topic, I can’t quite begin writing. So I spend some time considering my physical imperfections. A prime focus lately has been the unwanted hair that’s suddenly appearing in places no hair had gone before. It’s tough to be witty and brilliant when faced with such a problem. That’s probably why Van Gogh cut off his ear - he saw hair growing out of it.

Maybe I could write a column about that.

© Jackie Papandrew 2008, All Rights Reserved www.jackiepapandrew.com