Sunday Newscape Magazine

It’s been one of those weeks during which someone has violated just about all of my pet peeves. I like to think that I’m not a particularly peevish person. My list of pet peeves is very short and straightforward. It shouldn’t be that difficult to avoid committing these egregious errors.

So it is almost more than I can bear, especially in these trying times, to have each of my peeves thrown in my face in a matter of days. That’s why I’ve decided to announce my short-list of annoyances to the world in hopes it will wake up some of you peeve perpetrators out there.

# 1 Pet Peeve: Breaking the Law of the Line - Lines are our friends. They are vital to an orderly society. If there’s a line, you go to the end of it, and you wait your turn. The British know this. That’s why they are so civilized (with the exception of their soccer fans and Simon Cowell). The Brits are legendarily linear. They even line up to get on an elevator. We rebellious colonists, on the other hand, have become far too complacent about our lines. If you’re one of those people who cut into the line somewhere near the front while looking innocently around like you don’t know there’s a line, you should be forcibly deported to England. You will remain there until you’ve become civilized and drink tea with your pinkie sticking up (even if you’re a man).

Speaking of men, if you are one of those weak-willed men swayed so much by certain body parts that you allow females in possession of ample amounts of these body parts to cut in line, you should be deported to France, where everyone will spit on you.

Case in point: I was in a long airport security line the other day when two buxom young women ran up and begged a man several places ahead of me to let them cut in.

“We just couldn’t get out of bed this morning,” one simpered, batting her eyelashes, “and now we might miss our flight!”

Naturally, the sap let them cut. Line laws are no match for libido.

# 2 Pet Peeve: Express Lane Cheaters - If you're in a supermarket express checkout lane (as I was recently), and the sign says 10 ITEMS OR LESS, I have a newsflash for you. This means you should not have 20 items in your cart. You cannot lump small items together to count as one. You cannot give your children the extra items to hold. I am not that stupid, and I am always the person in line behind you. You fast-lane frauds know who you. I think most of you live in my neighborhood.

# 3 Pet Peeve: Movie Loud-Mouths - This is very simple. I’m only going to spell it out once. During the movie, do not talk unless you are whispering. Do not laugh loudly. Do not whoop or holler. If you are a teenage couple in hormonal hyper drive, do not sit directly in front of me and play a loud game of tongue hockey. And if you talk on your cell phone during the film, you deserve to have that gloopy movie-theater nacho cheese smeared in your hair. I’ll be first in line to do it.

© Jackie Papandrew 2008 All Rights Reserved www.jackiepapandrew.com