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 I’ve been out of commission for a bit, I know. All has been quiet on this front, thanks to writer’s block. Apparently Vanessa Jane took a bit of a vacation. Without notice. She’s the writer, you know. In the real world of Vanessa Jane, things have been rather stressful. This whole single mom thing isn’t quite what it’s cracked up to be. I am simply exhausted at the end of the day. Work, kids, work, kids. Sigh.
I’ve found part time work as a substitute teacher. I actually am certified to teach Secondary English, but as luck would have it, there are no English jobs open. So that leaves me subbing, which I loathe. I don’t just hate it; I loathe it.
Some people may think that subbing is a piece of cake. Nope. Let me tell you, it’s awful. First, you have a whole new “first day on the job” every day. There is no routine. You have a new classroom every day. Second, there is trying to teach from someone else’s lesson plans. There is always the assumption from the person who prepared the plans that you know exactly what they are talking about. Half the time I end up with a WTF look on my face, as I scramble to figure out what the regular classroom teacher is talking about.
Next is elementary school. Yes, I have been subbing in the elementary school. Why? Because when you are a certified teacher, you are a certified babysitter. A warm body. The regular teacher simply needs someone who has the certificate to come and take over the class for the day. Now, don’t get me wrong; I like little kids…for the most part, but we’re talking 25-30 little kids. All at once. Together. And sometimes they cry, most often are incredibly loud, and very excitable, so when there is a sub in the room, things can get a little wild.
Then we have the whole “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” thing. I’ve got that going on for me. Yes, I hate to admit it, but when I’m at the elementary school, I haven’t got a clue. I’m hoping for divine intervention on a regular basis. Usually it is granted, and we get through the day, but a couple of days ago, I was at a complete loss. Let me just tell you what kind of an idiot I made of myself.
I showed up for the sub job that day, after a call at 5:30am saying I was needed in a second grade classroom. Fine. Another day of winging it. When I get to the classroom, there are no lesson plans. Just a folder with stuff like “Journal Write,” and “History 2.1.3”, or “Math – Telling Time.” It’s all gibberish. So I walk across the hall to another teacher, and say, “Um, Heidi, there are no lesson plans.” Next thing I know, I’ve got four other teachers in there, trying to help me.
Now, if you know anything about teachers, you know we all talk at once, and we all think our way is the right way. Soon I’ve got four different people trying to walk me through the day. Then the sub who had that same class from the day before walks in. Actually, she strides in, and starts to kind of walk me through the day. Before I know what is happening, she is taking over for this teacher, and I’m covering her sub job (one I had subbed previously). Unfortunately, it ended up being only a half day job for me, so I lost out on some bucks.
I have to say that this whole experience shook my confidence. I know now that I could have done the job. But I was just so shook up. And that’s how I feel lately – shook up. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis is constant. It never eases up, and it’s strong. I hate being the sole provider for my children. It scares me, especially since my work is not guaranteed.
A lot of days I wake up feeling like I’m in the middle of an after school special. My whole life is a Lifetime Movie Network movie. Then I remind myself that it could be worse. I’m healthy (for the most part – ignoring the bipolar disorder), I have two great kids (who enjoy torturing me on a regular basis), a family who loves me, and friends who care about me. So what if my life was turned upside down, and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to make it from one day to the next? So what if my ex and his girlfriend play house every weekend with my children? So what if I was left for another woman, a totally humiliating experience. So what? Who cares?
A good friend of mine told me that it’s all about survival right now; simply making it from day to day. He told me to stop worrying about the future because I can’t control it. Good advice, but easier said than done.
I’ll keep on though. I have no choice. There are children to be fed and tended, bills to be paid, animals to take care of, and leaves to be raked. Oh and don’t even get me started on the leaves. I think I’ll have it put in our divorce papers that the ex still needs to come over and rake up all the leaves. I mean, there are so very many leaves and only one of me. I have nightmares of these leaves coming to life and overpowering me, so that in the morning all that is left are signs of a struggle and a few dead maple leaves that lost their lives in the battle. I know. It’s bad. Horrible really.
I, as usual, digress. If leaves were the only thing I had to worry about…instead, I have to worry about hanging onto the house where the trees are planted, from which the leaves fall.
For now I will try to do as my friend Darryl suggests and not worry about the future. I might be able to do that for five minutes…then the worrying will commence. I think anxiety is simply something that will continue to implode into my life. Let’s just hope that it doesn’t consume me, like the monster leaves in my dreams. |
