Sunday Newscape Magazine

Now that I’ve survived Black Friday relatively unscathed (having been rammed by only one shopping cart this year), I’ve been giving some thought to a segment of society which thinks the day after Thanksgiving is simply for eating leftovers. The members of this segment go by a variety of names, but they are generally known as men.

Unlike the female sector of our species, the male segment is not yet aware that we have entered a crucial gift-buying period. This realization will not dawn on men until about 7 PM on Christmas Eve, at which time they will rush out to the nearest drugstore and buy comically inappropriate gifts such as Garfield Chia Pets. Sadly, I know this from personal experience.

That’s why, instead of throwing out subtle hints that never actually penetrate my husband’s cranium, I’ve come up this year with a written agreement that makes it easy for my man, spelling out in great detail what he should and should not buy. I’ve thoughtfully posted copies of this document -- titled Parameters of Wife Christmas Gift Giving -- in household places such as on the television and the back of the toilet where my spouse is sure to see them.

For the sake of all you other poorly-gifted women out there, I’ve included this helpful document below. Feel free to use it in your own quest for a good gift. You can change it to suit your personal present preferences.

AGREEMENT entered into by Husband and Wife, hereafter called "Couple."

WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts because Husband usually waits until the last minute and then allows desperation to dictate his actions, AND

WHEREAS, the receipt of another Chia Pet or other gifts of equally ghastly quality could potentially cause Wife to lose her Christmas spirit and use unseasonal and unsavory words impugning Husband’s character,

NOW, THEREFORE, Husband hereby agrees to these provisions:

Husband will buy Wife gifts at least one week before Christmas, which Husband hereby acknowledges falls on December 25. Husband further vows to never again express surprise that the holiday regularly occurs on this date and has for quite some time now.

a. Anything Wife specifically requests.

b. Catalogue items discreetly circled and displayed by Wife

c. Any object containing silver, platinum and/or gold. Diamonds, of course, are highly encouraged.

d. Gifts involving travel to sunny and/or exotic places.

e. Gifts requiring Wife to undergo primping and pampering services such as massages, manicures, pedicures and facials. Services involving exercise can be excluded from this list.

a. Any fragrances favored by former girlfriends.

b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet. Tight, transparent clothing is especially discouraged.

c. Practical gifts used to perform cleaning or cooking activities such as an iron, saucepan or vacuum cleaner.

d. Self-serving gifts that Husband actually wants for himself, including power tools, video games, tickets to sporting events and calendars featuring buxom women often seen at such sporting events.

Ladies, may this list help you avoid the returns counter. And may you never, ever, receive a Chia Pet.

© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved www.jackiepapandrew.com