Sunday Newscape Magazine

It seems everyone these days is the victim of some kind of syndrome. If you’re accused of some outlandish crime - like, say, running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme - it’s probably not your fault. You likely suffer from Gargantuan Greed Syndrome (also known as Colossal Cojones Syndrome).

Or if you find yourself in a position of power - such as, say, the governor of a state - and law enforcement officials somehow get the impression you’re selling a seat in the United States Senate, you can easily explain away your actions. You’re the unwitting pawn of Polluted Politician Syndrome. It was the syndrome talking pay to play, not you. (And, by the way, that particular syndrome apparently needs its mouth washed out with some soap.)

I realize there are many real syndromes that cause genuine suffering. But I’ve noticed it’s become quite easy to tack the word ‘syndrome’ on to the end of almost any bad habit or moral failure to give it some credibility, or - as my grandpa would say - to gussy it up like a pitbull in lipstick. I call this Silly Syndrome Syndrome.

Just in case there are some hapless folks out there who are still going through life taking responsibility for their own actions, I’ve put together a small selection of other syndromes that can be used to explain dishonorable deeds. Feel free to lay claim to these conditions whenever you experience an urge to ‘fess up to your own failings. That’s the last thing you should be doing right now.

- Bailout Bitterness Syndrome: Characterized by a sour expression and an empty wallet, this syndrome is often triggered by watching the billion-dollar treatment necessary for victims of the Tin Cup/Private Jet Syndrome (also known by their nicknames - GM, Ford and Chrysler) and the Bankers Who Party Hearty Syndrome (nickname - AIG). While there are not too many who suffer from the first two syndromes, Bailout Bitterness Syndrome claims millions of victims, and there is currently no cure.

- Booming Bass Blowout Syndrome: Victims of this ailment can be seen covering their bursting eardrums at stoplights while glaring at the nearby driver playing music loud enough to be heard on Mars. Almost any action taken against these drivers can be justified.

- Teenager Dramatic Stress Syndrome: If you are or have been the parent of a teenager, you’ll recognize this one. Living with teenage drama can render you unable to function properly in society. Everyone will understand.

- Irritable Cowell Syndrome: Named after the irrascible British judge on American Idol, this syndrome’s sufferers exhibit symptoms such as sneering, eye rolling, liberal use of biting sarcasm and the unfortunate tendency to display man boobs. If you have these symptoms, especially if you suddenly begin speaking with an English accent and cannot stay away from women named Paula, you simply cannot be blamed for your bad behavior.

I hope this list is helpful. If not, don’t blame me. I have Goofy Columnist Syndrome. There is currently no cure.

© Jackie Papandrew 2009, All Rights Reserved www.jackiepapandrew.com