Sunday Newscape Magazine

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. Who I am, what I’m doing, and where I’m going. I think that with the new year, I’m supposed to think that this is a new beginning. In fact, my new beginning began about 6 months ago. My life looks so different now, in a way I could never have imagined. I wish I could say I was happy. I’m not, and not because I’m a negative person but because life has proven to be something I never expected.

 

I never wanted to be a single mom. This was something that was thrust upon me because of the poor choices of another person. He wanted out. In order to get out, my life has to be restructured. I never imagined how difficult it would be as a single mom. When I was married, my “husband” worked out of town four days a week, so in a sense I was a single mom. The difference is I was in the battle of parenthood with someone else. Now I’m parenting by myself. It’s crazy how different of a parent I am too. I have to be both mother and father, and quite honestly, I don’t know how to do that. I’m still learning, and unfortunately, my children are my little guinea pigs. This is all hardly fair to them…this is not the life I had envisioned for them.

 

The most difficult part of being a single mom is the financial burdens that come with it. I have been working part time as a substitute teacher. Teaching is what I’m trained to do, so that’s what the courts ordered me to do. So I’m doing it. And I hate it, but I hate doing nothing even more, so I sub. The money isn’t great and it’s not enough to live on, let alone provide for any extras. Christmas was a pretty skimp affair around the house this year. Yet, somehow the ex was able to spoil the girls rotten. Not to sound like a whiner, but it wasn’t fair. Okay, I sound like a whiner. Sue me. It’s not fair. He is living with his girlfriend and has a duel income now. He leaves and his life changes not one iota except he traded me for a different model.

 

Speaking of this different model, she helps him on the weekends when he has the kids. Single father? I think not. Try doing it all week…all the hard stuff – home work, baths, discipline, the getting them ready and putting them to bed. I don’t get to do the fun stuff with them. We don’t have the time or the money, and I don’t have the energy.

 

Okay, this is sounding all to negative. You’re thinking, I’m sure, (that is if you’re even still reading), this is just too depressing. Yes, it is. It’s also real life…it’s my life. But it’s not all negative. There are many great things about life right now. My children. I still have my children, and no one can ever take them away from me. They’ve been forced to grow up a lot in the past six months, and it seems we’ve all lost a lot of our innocence. The worry I feel about supporting them can outshine the joy of having them at times, but I would be lost and devastated if they were ever taken from me. My children are a joy in this turbulent time.

 

There is also my work. I don’t like to sub, granted. I do like to teach though, and there are those rare moments when a regular classroom teacher will leave what are called teaching lesson plans, where I’m actually asked to instruct a class. I love this because I love the interaction with the students. They are why I went into teaching in the first place. Although I don’t get to go into the same classroom day after day, I do often get to go back to the same schools. There is a sense of familiarity with that that I enjoy.

 

Then there is the whole dating thing. It’s new to me. It’s fun and exciting. I was married when I was 19, so I never dated as an adult. I was with my ex husband since I was 16 years old, so to be dating now is like dating for the first time. I like men, and I enjoy spending time with them…maybe one in particular. There is nothing like someone of the opposite sex to make one feel beautiful and wanted. The companionship is great, as is having some adult conversation. Having someone to cook for again is also nice; although, I’m not the best cook, nor is it my favorite thing to do. It is a good feeling to watch someone eat what I’ve prepared - someone who has a finer culinary palate than chicken nuggets and tator tots.

 

Finally there is the lack of accountability to another person (other than my children). This is something I am just getting used to. Figuring this part out is taking me some time, probably because the ex still has the air of entitlement. The more I branch out on my own though, the greater my sense of independence becomes.  I’ve found that if I simply don’t respond to probing questions, then my power returns. I was put in a difficult life situation. I was forced to change not only my life, but who I am. This is going to take some time and getting used to.