Sunday Newscape Magazine

“It’s how I was raised.” Yes, I’ll fall victim to the excuse we all use at one time or another. Each time we find ourselves acting in ways that baffle us, but ways that nevertheless still feel very comfortable. I was raised to value hard work. More specifically, MY hard work. It was how I got good grades in school, how I beat the competition for a coveted cheerleading position, and how I saved up enough money to buy my first car. Hard work.

And my family was probably no different from yours. I wasn’t fed with a silver spoon and allowances weren’t big or automatic. I worked for it. Schools didn’t pass you if you failed to make the grade. I worked for it. Credit was something your uncle extended, maybe! But, banks were still pretty stingy with theirs. If I wanted something, I saved for it.

It’s commonly and proudly referred to as The Work Ethic. I wonder if it’s still around? This being over fifty thing, I find, makes me sometimes wonder if I’ve lost touch with how things are now. Or maybe it’s due to having been self-employed for the past five years. Gets you out of the daily stream of the work-a-day life. But, when I last WAS employed, I remember hard work was still rewarded - and expected.

We used to give lip service to “work smarter, not harder.” But, I don’t think anyone really understood exactly what that meant. Most of us just got smarter at working harder. So, over countless lessons and countless years, I learned that “hard” was a good thing. Perhaps you did too.

I learned it so well that hard became an addiction. It was in the struggle to achieve that the pride of completion was born. The sweat and sleepless nights. The uphill climb got me to the top. If it happened too easy - well, my sights must have just been set too low. I hadn’t thought BIG enough! And if it came too quickly, I didn’t cherish it as much. I felt I had cheated or something. I remember being reluctant to tell friends that I had achieved something easily when they struggled to get to the same place. It was like rubbing their face in it.

Somewhere along the way, I accepted struggle and hard as the true sign of a worthy endeavor. And I’m not alone. Our very culture endorses overcoming difficulties. But, ONLY if it’s really, really hard! When was the last time we celebrated someone who overcame a major challenge in their life easily? No, they had to grind their fingers to the bone and almost die in the process. THEN we would celebrate their perseverance and commitment.

We celebrate the effort, not the outcome. Somehow making struggle more preferred; more special. I’m not knocking effort. It’s good to have a challenge that stretches us beyond our comfy overstuffed chairs. But, is it necessary to “struggle” to overcome challenges? That’s the question on my mind.

What if we’ve become so enamored with the good battle that we subconsciously MAKE it harder than it really is? Why would we do this? Well, two possible reasons: we get more attention and praise if we overcome what appears to be almost beyond our reach; and two, maybe we’ve become addicted to the fight - to the adrenalin and stress.

You might know some folks like this - if you aren’t one yourself. People who push themselves to the breaking point. People who quiver with pent-up energy whenever they hear the word “extreme.” They don’t just jog; they run to another city! They secretly snicker at co-workers who actually go home before eight at night. They know that getting ahead might not be ALL about hard work, but they’re SURE that it’s all about LONG work.

Over the course of self-employment for the past five years, I’ve slowly been waking up to the reality that my ‘work ethic’ might be keeping me from achieving success. It makes no logical sense, but I think it’s true anyway. I’m a self-admitted adrenalin and stress junkie. It makes me feel so alive to be worn to the bone. Not logical either, but still true for me. And I’ve always made sure that others knew exactly how hard I work. How difficult it is. How much I try. And they all heap loads of “that’a girls” on me. Some are even “so proud of you” too.

But, I’m sitting here thinking, what is it that I want? Their sympathetic (and often superficial) praise, or what I’m efforting after? Good question. Since I get lots of the former and little of the latter, I guess I’d have to side with the evidence. I’m after their praise. Hate to admit it, but there it is.

I’ve spoken of my “hard work isn’t equaling big results” to others before. Especially those who seem to struggle little and get lots. Like they have the test answers memorized before I even get the test. It’s been a conundrum to me. Not just the difference in our results and the difference in our efforts, but they allude to aligning with a guidance that I seem to have been deaf to.

They warn me that struggle is a barrier to guidance and inner knowing. They tell me to be still. They say that the way is formed even before the path is known. Stop fighting, they admonish. It’s counterproductive energy.

Now, I know all this intellectually. Heck, I’ve even coached you all on this. But, dare I say it?...knowing and doing are very different things! It’s pretty humbling to recognize you’re not walking your own talk. Especially when you know the talk so well - and have been saying it so long and so loudly.

But, truth is, I’m 54 years old and talk isn’t getting me what I want. So, I’m a student again - learning how to do this differently. Learning to abandon my love affair with struggle and find new, more energetically-aligned ways of living and doing. Learning to listen when I’m compelled to labor; to allow when I normally seize. It feels odd. Like I’m shirking my duties. Like I’m not trying hard enough.

Maybe that’s my sign that it’s working?! I’ll let you know.

In Joy: Karen

“Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.” Bernadette Devlin

“The best soldier does not attack. The superior fighter succeeds without violence. The greatest conqueror wins without struggle. The most successful manager leads without dictating. This is intelligent nonaggressiveness. This is called the mastery of men.” Author: Lao-tse

“Our minds can work for us or against us at any given moment. We can learn to accept and live with the natural psychological laws that govern us, understanding how to flow with life rather than struggle against it. We can return to our natural state of contentment.” Richard Carlson

© Karen Wright all rights reserved - http://www.wrightminded.com