Sunday Newscape Magazine

From all outward appearances his life seemed to add nothing to the planet. He didn’t make the world safer - he didn’t contribute to the economy. He couldn’t even offer the wisdom of his experience at this point in his life. As a matter of fact, he was almost completely dependent upon others for almost everything.

He couldn’t feed himself - at least not without making a mess. Moving about was iffy - falls were frequent and his coordination seemed to be in the control of some unseen presence. When he could walk on his own, he was slow. Many times he was summarily put in a chair and rolled around to make it easier for others. 

Speech was difficult. Few people seemed to understand him. It could be very frustrating when he couldn’t make his needs understood. Especially when he was in desperate need of a change of clothes - when his body seemed to eliminate at its own will without his consent.

It would seem that, truthfully, his life was only a burden to others - his caretakers. He needed them for everything. But, for those who took care of him. Who fed him, clothed him, and cleaned him, he was a precious jewel. He brought smiles to their faces and joy to their hearts. Just the sight of him lifted their spirits.

And his smile - when he smiled and laughed - well, everyone around him melted a little and wanted to hold him close. And he thought, “Well, I can’t do much for myself - but, I’m loved…and that’s everything that’s important.” 

This is a story of a person who couldn’t DO much for himself or for others. But, it’s also a story of a person who gave so much.

The planet we live on has a physical reality…and we have a physical body. A body that can move and impact things. That can interact and create. Much of our reality while we’re here seems occupied with what we DO.

Any restriction to our ability to DO…an arm that won’t move, eyes that can’t see, balance that no longer keeps us upright and we’re considered disabled. If all body parts aren’t functioning completely and to the highest degree we’re considered handicapped. It’s like the only value we have to ourselves or others is if we can DO something. And, to be honest, many of us feel useless if we can’t DO things.

When did we learn to discount the reality of us that exists without doing? The part that just IS.  When did BEING us become not good enough? Why does the value of our existence depend upon what we can DO?

For the last several years I’ve become more and more interested in this inequity in the value of our lives. I’ve listened to and coached many people who reached a point in their lives where they began to question their own value. They looked around at what they had DONE and what they were DOING and it just didn’t satisfy. Something was missing.

Often they would change what they were doing. Sometimes it manifested in a new relationship or a new job or a new car or home. But, after the initial newness wore off, they found that the longing for some indescribable something still haunted them.

I’ve come to know this longing as not a longing for some “thing”, but a desire to have meaning in their lives. Most admitted that what they had done so far didn’t hold much meaning for them. They felt empty.

I also found that most of them didn’t really know themselves very well. They hadn’t searched inside for answers to what they valued above all else or what was important to them. Life was distracting and questions of meaning never found the time to be contemplated.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist in the 1940’s wrote a little book called Man’s Search for Meaning. This book documents much of his life as a Jewish prisoner in the Nazi death camps. He witnessed how under the same abominable circumstances different people responded differently. In constant starvation and illness, some people would revert to savage behavior and steal food and clothing from fellow inmates. While some, just as hungry and sick would share their food and body heat with others around them. What made the difference?

He found that upbringing and previous status in the community made no difference. He found that education and age didn’t seem to matter. After much time and observation he came to the conclusion that how a person responded to the atrocities and deprivations they endured rested upon whether that person still found meaning in life. They could still imagine life different from their current experiences. They had goals for the future. Even if it was to survive another day. 

They created meaning and that sustained them when many around them chose suicide to escape the life they could no longer bear and no longer valued.

In many ways I see the same inner conflicts going on in many folks today. They’re grappling with the meaning in their life. What are they doing? Who are they becoming? What does it all mean?

The people that pull through this introspection successfully find that they have something they want to contribute to the world. They want their life to make a difference…to count. And without exception, they come to understand that what gives them satisfaction and purpose comes through a need to contribute.

Now, contribution can certainly sound like DOING. But, I believe that in thinking in those terms we’re right back to restricting how we give back to the world. Doing is one aspect of who we are, but it’s not all.

The story I told of the fellow who couldn’t do much for himself is a story of a two year old little boy. Although he can’t contribute much to the world through DOING yet, does his life have value? Absolutely. Why? Because of his BEING not his DOING. He is loved because he gives so much pleasure to others just by being himself.

It seems to me that there are three stages of our lives that influence the kind of contribution we make.

BABY:              As a baby we are very dependent on others for everything. We can’t DO much for ourselves or for others. Our value isn’t based upon what we DO, it’s based upon who we ARE. The value is in our BEING.

Our contribution is in receiving. Can you contribute by receiving? Is there value in allowing others to DO for you? Value for you? Value for them? We give or we receive in this world. Giving seems more active and productive. But, receiving is an act of graciousness. It allows others to give the best of themselves and that IS a contribution to them in return.

ADULT:           As adults we become more capable of doing. We focus on creating a life for ourselves and others. Our physical being is at its peak.

Here our contribution is often in DOING. Physically we can and it gives us joy to know that we are creating something, providing something.

ELDER:           As elders our physical abilities slow and our DOING also slows. Our value shifts much more to who we are and away from the expectation of our doing. The wisdom we’ve gathered, the experiences we’ve had, the insights we’ve gained become the contribution we make.

But aside from that, letting others DO for us gives them the opportunity to contribute through their DOING. Again our contribution is through receiving. It teaches others to give…and to find value in giving.

A year or so ago my mother had surgery on her shoulder.  This was her first ever operation and the chronic pain she endured was more fearful for her than being put under general anesthesia.  After surgery she had difficulty coming out of the fog of unconsciousness.  She vomited when she tried to move and stayed in post-op a few more hours than they originally anticipated.

While home with me she was in great pain whenever she moved. And getting out of bed was torture. The doctor insisted she begin physical therapy immediately. The exercises caused much pain. Today she showered for the first time since Monday.  She couldn’t wash herself as the sling she wore restricted her movement. I washed her hair and her body. I clothed her and changed her bandage. For all intents and purposes she has been unable to DO for herself. A state she really dislikes! But, for me it has been a humbling experience to care for her. It has opened my heart more and increased my compassion for her experience. She needed me physically and emotionally. And I found that in my doing for her I received a great deal.

You see, I’ve always been a DOER myself. I never ask for help and consider even doing so a weakness. Independence for me has been the highest value for as long as I can remember. I placed my value upon my ability to DO. And I figured others only valued me if I DID things too.

But, being independent can be very lonely. Not asking for or accepting help tells people that you don’t value their contribution of service. It tells them you don’t need them. And if you tell them that enough, they stop asking - they stop trying - they leave you alone.

My mother’s need of my help gave her a chance to be cared for and gave me a chance to give. We both won in this situation. An unexpected blessing for us both.

Consider the value you contribute to this world. Are you short-changing yourself? Do you only consider action and accomplishment worthy endeavors? Are you so busy doing that you’ve lost touch with the interdependence of life? Give and receive; do and be. These are inseparable, reciprocal states. Independent they are meaningless. Giving without reception isn’t giving. Doing without centered being is pointless. It is only in their partnership they fulfill anyone. Balance.

In Joy Karen

(c) Karen Wright all rights reserved http://wrightminded.com

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Winston Churchill

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
Epictetus