Sunday Newscape Magazine

I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a couch potato. And I’m not just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill sofa spud. I’m a connoisseur of couch-potato technique.

I’ve spent many lazy hours catching Zs (while pretending to be doing something productive) on a variety of couches. The best receptacles for couch-potato champions like me are long enough to accommodate the entire body in a horizontal position, with no danger of the dreaded pretzel twist.

While the main accessory for being a couch potato is, of course, a couch, there are other essential ingredients. First, you need the right kind of personality - starchy, vegged-out and prone to napping. I’ve got that in spades.

Next, you  need a TV. That way, you can at least appear to be doing something when you’re in horizontal heaven. Many men like to have sports playing on the television while they snooze away the hours in non-productive loafing. If someone - say a man’s wife - asks him to do something annoying such as take out the trash, a sofa-spud spouse can legitimately claim to be watching a very important (and very long) game.

I prefer, however, to have educational TV programs playing on the set. That way, I can pretend to be improving my mind while indulging my lazy body.

Other accessories are also helpful in attaining the ultimate in couch-potato comfort. You need pillows, naturally. But you don’t want to use your regular bed pillows. That would indicate a premeditatedintention to spend disgraceful periods of time as a potato person. You need those cute little decorated sofa pillows that are designed to stay on the couch. Then, if someone unexpectedly interrupts your snoozing, you can quickly sit up, wipe the drool off your chin and nod intently at the educational TV program you were obviously using to enhance your brain power.

A blanket is also an essential element of today’s successful lounge lizard. But blankets, being actual bed accessories, are a dead giveaway. That’s why you need to use a blanket-like device such as small coverlets or those granny-knitted afghans - the ones that often smell like mothballs - to cover yourself during surreptitious naps. Then, if someone stumbles upon your spudly snooze, you can casually throw your covering across the arm of the couch as a decorative accent, and no one will be the wiser. (Just remember to hurriedly smooth your tell-tale bed head.)

Because I know so much about being a couch potato, you may think I have too much time on my hands. Not at all!  In fact, I often come up with great column ideas during my couch-potato periods.  Actually, I’m feeling a bit drowsy right now. Pass me that afghan.

© Jackie Papandrew All Rights Reserved www.jackiepapandrew.com