Sunday Newscape Magazine

It’s a fine kettle of fish we’re in when even our farm animals have Facebook pages.

But that’s the case in Panama City, FL where a feral porker has eluded capture since February, shaking off a Taser and four tranquilizer darts and creating quite a following.  Porky’s already got more than 500 members in his Facebook group, which is more than I have in mine, even though - judging by the picture Piggy has posted - he and I look a lot alike, at least first thing in the morning.

Local animal control officials say fans of the liberty-loving hog have been disabling the traps set to catch him, and they’re afraid the pig will hurt itself or someone else.  Senor Swine will not be killed if caught, they insist. But his devotees aren’t buying it, calling the 150-pound beast a libertarian hero. He’s been labeled The Freedom Pig, with some Facebook supporters calling him a “symbol of our desire to live free of government control.”  He’s even been compared to our founding fathers, who I’m thinking might not be amused by that.

Naturally, pig-themed T-shirts and other paraphernalia are already available, and online groupies are gathering from around the world.

“Go, pig, go!” posted an admirer from Australia.

Soon, the savvy swine will no doubt form a political action committee and contemplate a run for office, probably on an anti-pork barrel spending platform. But before he is surrounded by handlers and required to stick to a safe set of talking points, I wanted to speak to him directly. I won’t boar you with the details - get it, ‘boar’ - but I happen to have some connections in the pig word, and I was recently able to snare the first interview with the elusive yet inspiring creature.

After being sworn to secrecy, I was taken to an undisclosed location, where I found our porcine hero organizing a boycott against the Wendy’s restaurant chain, purveyor of the Baconator.

I tried to break the ice with a lame nursery-rhyme joke.

“Little pig, little pig, let me in, let me in,” I said as I approached him.  Mr. Pig gave me the kind of disgusted look a teenager gives his or her parents. Then he threw out an insult to my middle-aged status.

“Not by the hairs on your chinny chin chin,” he said, peering closely at my face.

Our interview kind of went downhill from there.  Life on the lam has been hard on the hog, and he's gotten rather sensitive. He bristled at my suggestion that he might not yet be ready to hold office.

“I am just as qualified as most of the people I see in politics,” he said. "In fact, I'm more qualified than some of them." I had to concede the point.

"Just remember," he added, "you can put lipstick on a politician, but it's still a politician."

You betcha.

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