Sunday Newscape Magazine

There are few holiday activities more enjoyable than the Office Christmas Party, that obligatory get-together of co-workers and cronies, bosses and backstabbers, along with a string of dragged-along spouses who can’t wait to make their escape.

Every year, my husband and I fantasize about declining to attend these annual fetes of frightfulness. Then we return to reality and begin to plot our survival strategy. This brings us around to discussing the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn't but one faux pas from the unemployment line? And sadly, we’ve had some personal experience with foot-in-mouth faux pas at our official office parties.

I’d like to say that all the goofy gaffes committed have been my man’s, but that would be a big, fat lie. I’ve also failed to dodge the pitfalls of office party protocol on more than one occasion.

So this year, we’ve come up with a legally binding agreement designed to get us through the party season unscathed:

AGREEMENT entered into by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as Couple).

WHEREAS, Couple's employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, though there is officially no connection, everyone who skipped last year's bash is now unemployed;

NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to the following office party guidelines:

-- Husband shall never again advise casual attire for a black-tie affair. In fact, husband shall never again give fashion advice of any kind.

-- Wife will not complain about the food at the party, if Husband will refrain from eating enough for three men. Additionally, Husband shall not turn to Wife in front of numerous co-workers and say "How come you can't cook me a meal like this?"

-- Husband will laugh at wife’s boss’s jokes. Laughter will sound natural and sincere, not forced and phony. No overblown guffaws will be permitted.

-- Wife will avoid derogatory comments about husband’s boss’s wife’s cosmetically enhanced cleavage, but only if Husband will avoid staring slack-jawed at said cleavage.

-- Husband shall be diplomatic and refrain from saying things to wife’s boss such as: "For a tightwad, you sure throw one heck of a party." Or "So you're the fellow my Wife keeps complaining about. You seem nice enough to me."

-- Wife shall not ask Husband's boss why the only women present are wives and data entry clerks. Nor will Wife demand to know when her Husband is going to get a raise.

-- Both Husband and Wife will avoid peeking at their watches every five minutes to see if the festivities are coming to an end.

-- Finally, both Husband and Wife will refrain from imbibing too many adult beverages, unless it seems to be the only way to get through the evening.

In that case, all bets will be off. And even cosmetically enhanced cleavage will be fair game.

Hopefully, both of us will still have a job the next morning.

© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved