Sunday Newscape Magazine

Remember Pavlov’s dogs? I know, college psychology happened eons ago, but dig deep. Bell dings, food appears, dog drools, dog eats. Bell, food, drool, eat, etc., etc., etc.

Game changes. Bell dings - no food. Dog still drools. Classic stimulus-response. To the dog, the bell now equals food. It’s been conditioned. Drooling is now a habitual response.

Game changes again. New species – new stimulus. Replace the bell with the emotion anger. Replace the dog with its master. Human-A yells at Human-B. Human-B either counter-attacks, defends, or runs. Classic stimulus-response. 

This predictable scene is played out every day all over the world. Perhaps you were Human-B today? Whether you counter-attacked, defended, or ran, your behavior was a conditioned response developed long ago and honed into an unconscious habit.

No matter which response you’ve chosen to this stimulus, you’ve probably felt as manipulated as Pavlov’s dogs. Why is it that emotions and control seem to be mutually exclusive? Up until now. I’ve got a secret I’d like to share. You and the dogs are about to part company.

Before we go further, let’s agree – emotions are very contagious. If you’re not on your guard someone else’s bad day can quickly become yours. It seems our best antidote to this emotional virus, so far, has been the lame platitude: “Don’t take it personally.” Please – it is personal when someone’s yelling at me. It’s very personal. I can’t just shut my feelings off. So, I move to fight or flight. And over the years I’ve found that neither choice works…not really.

Here’s what I learned that turned this Pavlovian game around for me. No – I didn’t learn how to control Human-A (although I admit I tried for years). Instead, I learned how to control my thoughts about Human-A. I learned to perceive the stimulus differently. And I freed myself forever from the emotional prison others had been happily throwing me in.

It was easier and harder than anything I’ve ever done. Easier because I was finally focused on what I could control – me. And harder because I’m not all that easy for me to control!

OK, you’ve been patient long enough. Here’s my three-part secret…

First, I don’t believe in anger anymore. I also don’t believe in greed, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, or hatred. These over-inflated emotions are imposters masking the real emotion that Human-A doesn’t want you to see – FEAR.

Think about it, if you peel away the reason upon reason, the why after why of any of our negative emotions don’t you come down to some kind of fear? I’m angry that you blew an important deal (I’m afraid how this will affect my bonus, my image, my career). I resent you for getting the promotion that I deserved (I’m afraid I won’t ever get my chance to shine). I’m jealous of your friendship with our manager (I’m afraid I’ll always come in second best.)

Try it yourself. Think of some resentment you harbor, some hatred you bear, some anger seething in your gut. Strip away all the cloaking devices and aren’t you really afraid of being left out, passed over, considered unworthy?

Second, if under all that emotional bravado of anger is truly someone who is scared, how does that affect your feelings about them? How do you usually respond when you know someone is afraid? Don’t you bleed a little for them? Aren’t you prone to a little sympathy?

Behind their eyes, don’t you see a glimmer of your own pain or uncertainty?

I’ll tell you this –  this change of perspective changed my life. It also changed my behavior and my relationships. I’m no longer controlled by someone else’s emotions. When they’re out of control, I see a scared little child not knowing what else to do. I don’t react with fight-or-flight anymore. I don’t take it personally anymore.

Instead of resisting them, I try to find a way to help them. I become their partner in fighting their demons. I move toward understanding and, not surprisingly, they come along. When someone is in fear they are desperate for a way out. I give them a way out of their fear by removing myself as a threat.

Remember I said this was one of the easiest and hardest things I’ve ever done? Changing my perception of anger was relatively easy. Here’s the hard part, part three – I had to learn to control my own emotions. If you have the track record I had, you wouldn’t bet on that pony! 

Discipline. As a child it was other-imposed. As an adult it becomes self-imposed. Discipline is the marriage of desire and will. To control your own emotions you must want to be in control. You must also recognize when you’re about to lose it and will yourself to choose differently.

Let’s face it…you know that how you’re responding to Human-A now isn’t working, right? Why not try something dramatically different? Why not exercise the one area of complete control you do have – your intentions and behavior. In truth, your emotions are a figment of your creation anyway. Human-A is simply a trigger you’ve decided to react to in a predetermined way. But, your reaction was and is your choice. Take control of your emotions and you’ll take control of your results. 

When a bell dings you don’t have to drool. A bell is not food. And anger is not attack – it’s fear. See if this trick doesn’t have immediate results in your life.

In Joy Karen - http://wrightminded.com