Columns Jackie Papandrew All I Want for Christmas is Me - by Jackie Papandrew
| All I Want for Christmas is Me - by Jackie Papandrew |
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| Written by Jackie Papandrew | |
| Sunday, 20 December 2009 | |
 Dear Robustly Round Man in the Unflattering Outfit (formally known as Mr. Claus):All I want for Christmas is more of me. This is not as egotistical as it sounds. You see, Santa, I need a clone. Actually, I need four or five clones. That way, I can successfully be in all the different places doing all the different things I’m expected to be doing all at the same time. You would think, judging by the way I tip the scales lately, that there would be plenty of me to go around. But alas, even the more-than-ample middle-age version of me can’t quite seem to fill the bill. Take yesterday, for example. I needed to go work. I needed to clean my house. I needed to write out Christmas cards and bake cookies and do my holiday shopping. The laundry cried out to be laundered. My body begged to be exercised. (OK, that part is not true, but it should have begged to be exercised). One dog needed to go out, and the other dog needed to come in. One child needed a little lifting up, and the other child needed a little dressing down. My husband couldn’t find any clean socks (due to that crying laundry), and I was missing a shoe. The phone was ringing. The plants were wilting. My car wouldn’t start. And my Mister Coffee gave up the ghost and left me uncaffeinated and in need of a straight jacket. And that was only one day. So this year, you right jolly old elf, forget the fruitcake. Don’t bring me bon-bons or baubles. I don’t need another set of frilly pajamas or a soft new sweater. I sure don’t need another household appliance. What I need, Sweet Saint Nick, is more of me. So, if you would, leave me a few clones on Christmas morning. My clones could cook and clean, as well as go to work and hit the gym (better them than me). They could wash the clothes, bathe the dogs, answer the phone and water the plants. They would leave me free to enjoy the holidays, with plenty of time for joyful jingle-belling, cookie-baking and eggnog-making. I might even find time for marshmallow toasting and chestnut roasting. That really would make it the most wonderful time of the year. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. So get right on that, Santa. But don’t let me catch one of my clones kissing you under the tree. I’ll have to tell Mrs. Claus. © Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved |
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