Sunday Newscape Magazine

If you are one of those carbon-based life forms burdened by the Y chromosome (also known as men), you are probably still mourning the end of football season. Well, snap out of it, man! Something far more important is coming up. Yes, it’s almost Valentine’s Day! You had no idea, right? For some reason, they decided to hold it on February 14th this year, so you can certainly be excused for not remembering.

Nevertheless, the Holiday of the Heart will soon be upon you. That’s why I’d like to give you some advice. It’s the same sage counsel I recently passed on to my teenage son, who has miraculously managed to hold on to a girlfriend through several gift-giving events. Don’t get me wrong – my son is a great kid (look who raised him). But like many of his gender, he suffers from Gift Confusion Disorder (also known as Fazed by Females Syndrome).

He just doesn’t seem to have a clue what to give his lovely lady. For Christmas, I suggested something thoughtful but low-key, appropriate for teenage gift-giving. He got a big grin on his face and said, “I’ve got it!”

The next day, he came home with a video game, coincidentally a video game he really wanted.

“We can play it together,” he explained when I pointed out that his present seemed a tad bit selfish. “I’m just being practical.”

The boy comes by it honestly, though.  For Valentine’s Day one year, my dad gave my mom a head-to-toe flannel nightgown that even Grandma Walton would have considered prudish.

“She’s always complaining about being cold,” he said when I pointed out that it was not the most romantic gift in the world. “I was just being practical.” Oy vey.

And my husband, bless him, has often displayed great practicality when choosing his V-Day gifts. I’ve more than once received a kitchen appliance.

“I was trying to help you be more efficient in the kitchen,” he explained, baffled by my lack of excitement. I believe I responded that he could always hire a maid if he was interested in kitchen efficiency. I believe that I also might have used some salty language in my response, but I’ve blocked out that memory.

So for this Valentine’s Day, my advice to my son (and to you men who are considering getting your lady something sensible) is to get something you consider utterly useless. That should cover jewelry and candy and perfume.

My boy actually followed my advice and came home with a tiny vial of liquid with the words  ‘Eau de Toilette’ printed on the bottle. He held it up and stared at it the way I would stare at an insect crawling around in my kitchen.

“Is this really what women want?” he asked me incredulously. “Toilet water?”

Yes, it certainly is.

© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved