Sunday Newscape Magazine

This is the time of year I like to let out a great big guffaw when I think about what an honor it is to pay taxes.

I’m not kidding. When I send my money to the government, those guys and gals in D.C. return the favor by providing me with some genuine belly laughs. That’s because they find such creative and amusing ways to spend my hard-earned cash.

Like studying why pigs smell, for example.  According to a group wishfully named Citizens Against Government Waste, Congress plumbed the public trough for a couple million dollars last year in order to delve into that urgent matter. Now, I’m no genius – which is why I’ll never be allowed to run for office – but I’m thinking we could just all agree that pigs do smell (although the stinky swine might argue the point)  and move on to something else.

Or take the problem of how to use wood. About $95 million of our money has been spent since 1985 on wood utilization research.  You’d think that, given mankind’s long experience with wood, we could call it good and use those dollars on something else.  But what do you know? We’re spending another $4 million on wood research this year, so obviously there is still some concrete information left to discover.

And while we’re paying a lot of attention to wood, the politicians don’t want us to develop a baa-humbug attitude about wool. That’s why they’re spending a good chunk of our change to figure out how to use the sheep stuff. (Hint: they could use it to make a sweater. Just a suggestion.) They’ve also sunk a bevy of bucks into oyster rehabilitation. I’ll bet you didn’t even know oysters were in rehab.  I wonder if they’ve run into Tiger Woods while they were there.

Some other porky projects that have got me laughing include the brilliant $6 million plan to buy snow-making machines in Minnesota (motto: we’ve already got more snow than we know what to do with). Public money is also making its way to the study of ants and drunk mice, as well as the learning patterns of college students and the sex lives of honeybees. Oh, wait. I got that last part wrong. It’s actually going to help us better understand the learning patterns of honey bees and the sex lives of college students. Either way, it’s pretty darn funny.

But my favorite example of wise Washington allocation of resources comes from those fun folks at the Bureau of Public Debt, which sought to use stimulus money for seminars on ‘Humor in the Workplace.’ These seminars would have helped our burdened bureaucrats understand the importance and power of humor.  And Lord knows they could use it.  I have to say, I think that isa good use of my tax dollars. It gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘funny money.’

Sadly, though, the Humor in the Workplace program was abruptly cancelled after word of it got out.  People just don’t seem to have a sense of humor anymore. All you taxpayers need to lighten up. It’s only money.

© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved - www.jackiepapandrew.com