Money…ahhhhh yes, money. The one thing I don’t have. Any of. Not just a little bit or not enough - I simply don’t have any. It appears that my ex husband left me at just the worst possible time - from an economical standpoint. I don’t know that there ever is a really good time to be left - well, maybe…hmmm.

I digress. Money. I grew up poor, a fact that I never really share with people. It’s simply the way life always was. Oh, we had enough to eat, and I was clothed; although my clothes were often a product of Good Will. We had a roof over our head and all the basic necessities. What we didn’t have were the extras. ANY of the extras – for sports, girl scouts, or any type of activities or clubs. Movies were out of the question, so were all the other fun things my friends got to do on the weekends.

I grew up knowing what it was like to be teased for the clothes I wore. I learned to fight to defend my “poor” status. I wasn’t proud of the fact that I didn’t have the same things other kids did. I was ashamed.

In me grew a fear of money - or lack of it. The type of fear I’m talking about comes with the knowledge that there is no financial security, really, ever. This has left me, now, in a constant state of anxiety.

While I was married, I - we - had a fair amount of money. We never wanted or needed for anything. I’m sure my ex would tell you he needed a boat or a new truck, but honestly, those were not the needs I was worried about meeting. As long as we had enough money to pay the bills, feed ourselves, and maybe have a little extra left over (which we always seemed to), I considered us very lucky.

Now it’s different. I haven’t been able to find work, and as much as I would like for this writing thing to take off, well it hasn’t really worked out that way. I’m technically trained to be a teacher, which means I have been “ordered” by the court to “find” employment teaching. This means substituting. This means depending on work day by day. It hasn’t been working out. So far, I have received zero sub jobs. Apparently, there is little need for subs in my area. Great.

So I have no money. Oh, yeah, my ex has been ordered to give me some of his (rightly so, I believe) for a brief period of time. I’m supposed to find a job teaching or one that pays comparable to teaching. Not an easy task in this economy.

I know there are a lot of folks out there who have recently lost their jobs. It’s a scary time right now. Hanging in there is easier said than done. And it’s usually said by those who have jobs - nice to be reassured by someone who has a regular paycheck coming in. I wish I could rest assured in the fact that I still have a roof over my head. In fact, I know I’m lucky I still have a roof over my head. Many people have lost theirs.

I won’t tell those people to hang in there. I’m going to say what someone said to me today when I told her my ex left me: “That is one of the worst possible things that could happen to you.” Finally! Some honesty. Yes! This is one of the worst possible things that could happen to me. But it did happen. And now I have to make it all okay - and financially I have no idea how to go about doing that.

But our economy has done this before, right? It’ll all be okay; we have to just not panic. I know I’m not going to panic. I’m going to hide in my closet instead. I mean, they can’t take my house away if I’m still in it right? Or maybe I’ll just hide under the covers and pretend this all isn’t happening. Ignorance is bliss, head in the sand and all that. Anyone else out there care to join me? After all, if seeing is believing, and you’re in a dark closet, or hiding under the covers - how much of this can really be happening? Huh? That’s what I thought.

(c) Vanessa Jane 2008 all rights reserved.